Do we need long term romantic relationships to live happy and fulfilled lives?

…Or are they primarily for the stupid, lazy or lonely?

I’m not being mean or flippant. It’s a genuine question I’m exploring and wanted to share. Indulge me a while if of any interest.

I’ve had a difficult time romantically over the years. I can’t seem to pin one of the slippery little suckers down, consequently being described as emotionally constipated, relationship retarded, unavailable…. and understandably so. I talk a good game, try my best, yet fuckout every time. I’ve been engaged three times and I don’t even believe in marriage! I’m nearly 40. I should know better. What’s Einstein’s definition of insanity, again?!

Now. Although too dim to get romantic relationshits, I am bright enough not to live within every emotion. I can step out, 3rd person and look at my behaviour from the outside.

My key observations. Maybe some will resonate with you.

It all starts in childhood (Maybe we can blame our parents!?)

Your genetics and environment make you who you are. Obvious right? The difficult bit for parents appears to be engendering healthy behaviours in key areas of their childs life, aware from both perspectives. e.g. Kids are sexually conscious from a ridiculously young age, watching and learning behaviours, trying and testing. Rarely acknowledged by the parents. It probably feels inappropriate to do so but kids aren’t stupid, they feel everything, but don’t have a full vocabulary or understanding. I would love to see more open, honest and authentic chat, connection and behaviour around young people. Parents can be such shitty examples of how to do things!

I sometimes had a difficult time as a young child; delinquent troubled Father who died when I was 11, drink and drug fuelled surroundings, inappropriate sexual contact with adults, anxious disease ridden Mother, random ongoing family strife, money problems and other stuff. I’m mentioning this because I believe it is important to acknowledge and accept your past, to be able to draw the line, accept with love and move on into your future.

Early interactions guide your ability to have any kind of meaningful relationship in adult life.

Take responsibility (Ah, so we can’t blame the parents? Bugger.)

As an adult it is a CHOICE to carry our bad shit forwards, or not. No-one can hurt you, make you feel bad, mess your shit up. Only YOU can allow yourself to feel bad, be hurt, or have your shit messed with. So the simple answer is to get over yourself and stop being a victim. Easier said than done fo sho.

With children, it is EVERY adults responsibility (Not just the parents) to ensure they have age appropriate facts, feel loved, supported and that they can talk about anything at any time. When kids get closed down, they close down. Simple. Unraveling that in the therapists chair as an adult is confuzzing and distressing. I should know.

I don’t blame my parents for my fuckwittery any more. I sure used to. Useless bastards ;) But you know what. My parents both had a harder time than I did as kids and I know in my heart that they did their best not to carry their poop into my life. They’re not perfect, no-one is, and that really is ok. Forgive yours.

A friend of mine who was violently raped told me that there’s no such thing as a bad experience. Coming from her that spoke volumes to me, once I got it.

Love is an illusion

Romantic love is actually lust. It’s the chicken oriental chemistry that gets us to make lurve and make babies, which is ultimately why we’re here doofus. I would have swallowed wasps for my first love Louise BUT the honeymoon can’t last. The media, society and government are trying to fool you! (For their own gain, which is a story for another time).

I genuinely believe that if we accept this fact we can enjoy it for what it is, put it in it’s proper box (no pun) and move on to better things. If you want to explore more about this, start by reading The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck. The chapter on Love is great musing fodder.

Love can be officially classed as a mental illness.

Reality sucks

More marriages fail than succeed… Easy hit below the belt this one, but divorce rates in the UK are currently at about 55% (Following the trend lines below maybe there will soon be more divorces than marriages?!)

Of the couples that stay together, various reports suggest that between 25% and 50% admit to feeling somewhere between ambivalent (The Un-Divorced) to consistently unhappy (The Meteorically Miserable).

Ooof.

Unfaithful moi? How very dare you…

Reading any report, paper or book on the subject (“Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy” – Atwood & Schwartz 2002, “Monogamy Myth” – Peggy Vaugn, ”After the Affair” - Janis Abrahms Spring, “Adultery” - Annette Lawson), they all clearly spell out the same story. Between 40 and 60% of people (Not just men, both sexes) admit to being unfaithfully married (And…What about the rest?!).

Does it matter if roger ramjet wanders into unknown lady gardens? Or does that action by definition mean that the existing relationship is over?

Yes, it’s difficult to maintain a healthy connection if one or both is playing away from home, but being brutal, we’re not monogamous creatures by nature. You can love more than one child, sibling, parent etc. Only one romantic partner?! Who are we kidding. Pah.

Physical monogamy isn’t that important to me, as long as the energy connection between the relationship couple is strong. To me that is more important than anything else (not that I have been able to maintain it) but I appreciate I’m in the minority here. And I’m single. So draw your own conclusions…

The older you get, the harder you (don’t) fall

As adults we learn to filter through previous experiences. Get burned a few times and the grey stuff simply wont let you make, what it perceives to be, the same mistakes over and again. Bah. C’maaaan?

I find it easy to meet women, apparently still relatively pleasing on the eye and obviously not too much of a terrible prick. I just don’t seem to fall in love any more. It’s a fucking tragedy. Blub.

A new paradigm… Possible?

We love magic. We love Richard Curtis movies. We love the breathless, heart racing, cock hard, bra pinging, knicker wetting moments of it all and why the hell not… For a moment, stop and feel in your heart your first love experience… Just wow. Right?

But is there a better way to do it? More ‘real’?

By definition no. Not when it comes to the first romantic bit. Let that be the crazy lovefest it has to be, and may you fall in love every day. The other bit.. Well let me borrow from the expert:

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.

- Louis de Bernieres

I kind of accept this BUT it does bring me back to my second line. Or am I just being cynical. P’raps the latter. Anyhoooo.

Some things to remember, explore or ponder…

1. Enjoy deep and meaningful relationships with more people, more openly and honestly. Then perhaps you wont crave a ‘one’
2. Stop searching. You were born alone and you’ll die alone. That’s ok as long as you fill the middle bit with as much love, goodness and passion as you can (in all aspects, in any way that suits you)
3. If you want kids, consider having with a close friend who you love and trust but not necessarily in ‘that way’. Consider fostering or adopting. There are already too many of us on this rock by the way
4. Keep opening your mind, remind yourself to remove the filters, enjoy the blissful endorphin rush of blowing your socks off with your hottie
5. Accept that nothing lasts forever? How long does a successful relationship need to last, 1 day, 1 year or a lifetime?
6. In any long term relationship, boys will miss their freedom and random vaginas. Conversely, girls will miss the version of the relationship they had in their head before they got together with the ‘random vagina’ requiring numpty
7. Don’t base any relationships on fear
8. It takes time to accept, acknowledge and change. If you come from ‘interesting’  roots it may take more time than most. Nothing is perfect, no-one
9. Black-White, Up-Down, In-Out… Everything in the universe comes in opposite pairs, and as humans we need to pair up too. It’s just the way it is, but you don’t have to fit a mould or follow a pattern. Create your own
10. Don’t hide behind your partner, two halves do not make a whole. That IS stupid, lazy and lonely

I’m NEVER settling down. I’m settling UP. Now, who wants a snog?